Arse Pimples!

2002-04-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

Bizzare Love Pentigone vol. IV
(click here to start at vol. I
click here for vol. II
click here for vol. III)

The BJ's

Saran
Phoebe looked incredibly thoughtful for a few moments.

"Nope."

She sighed. "The only people I can think of are our fellow beatniks, but they're all wimps. They'd never dare to come here and help us."

She took a deep breath, looking revilled by the mere idea of what she was about to say... "I think we're going to have to call in the Bodyguard Junkies(TM)..."

((Yep, the BJs(TM)! ;oP ))

Phoe
Belinda squared her shoulders and got ready to call the junkies. She took a deep breath and took the phone, and called them up.

B: "Hello....this is Belinda...."

Chris: "Duuuuude! Belinda?"

B: Yep.

C: "Duuuude!"

B: "Uhm...yep"

C: (to the other junkie) "Duuude, it's Belinda!"

Tim: "Duude, it's Belinda!"

C: "Yep. It's Belinda!"

T: "Duuude!"

Belinda kept trying to interject. But they would onlly say "duude!"

"Phoebe!" Belinda cried out, "They won't stop saying dude! What should I do?"

Saran
Phoebe observed the phone call, one eyebrow raised.

"Right, let me deal with this," Phoebe said matter-of-factly, taking the phone from Inda.

P: "Look, shut your *&$£*"@ mouths or else I'm gonna... *CENSORED*" Some of the words Bee used were enough to make most beatniks blush, but not Phoebe. She had been raised on the wrong side of the tracks, and was inordinately proud of this fact.

C: *Gulp*

P: "Good, now I have your attention, you two need to get your body-guarding arses down here to the Beatnik cave right now. You've got some work to do."

All Phoebe heard was the sound of the phone being dropped and the slamming of a door followed by a satisfying screeching or tyres.

"They're on their way," she said smugly to Belinda.

Though Gods only knew how long they were going to take, what with being BJ(TM)'s and all...

Phoe
As they waited for the junkies, Gary and Andy continued to batter at the door with the rake of death. Belinda got out her Beatnik Goggles(TM) and started watching for the BJ's(TM). It was quite awhile before she finally saw two silhouette's coming over the horizon. One walking girlishly, one yelling at the girlish walker.

With her Beatnik Hearing Enhancer(TM), Belinda listened to what they said:

Tim: Stop walking that way. It's SO gay. And you KNOW I'm homophobic. You're just doing it to taunt me. Aren't you? Aren't you?

Chris: Lay off, dude. John Wayne walks this way. He's as manly as they get!

Tim: You've been guaging how manly men are? That is SO queer.

Chris: Dude! It's not like I have to guage. Everyone knows John Wayne is manly!

Tim: Dude, no man says manly about another man. Unless they're gay.

Chris: Hey, I'm rico suav-ay! The chicks love me, man!

Tim: No they don't. You're a junky that walks like a girl.

Chris: Duuuuude!

Tim: Duuuuude!

Chris: No, Duuude!

Tim: I said duuude first!

Chris: No you didn't! I clearly said dude first, dude.

Tim: Duuude!

Chris: Duuuude!

Belinda turned to Phoebe again. "Oh now! They've stopped about a mile away, and they're just saying duude over and over again. What shall we do?

Saran
Phoebe sighed. "I'll sort this..."

Out of a drawer she pulled a small microphone.

"Ahem," she said into it, and the sound was broadcast out from large megaphones situated around the beatnik cave. "You two, get your arses down here now or I'm not gonna be responsible for my actions! Thank you and have a nice day."

She put the microphone down and smiles at Inda. "That should sort it."

Phoe
T: Duuuuude! It's God! He's talking to us!

C: Duuude! Really?

T: Yes. He's told me to kill all the gay people of the world.

C: He did not. He (who sounds suspiciously like a she) said to "get our arses down there" wherever there is. Nothing about homosexuals. Dude, you're too obsessed. Are you sure you're not gay and trying to hide it and overcompensating quite a lot?

T: Shut up! God is not a woman! Only a gay guy would think that! And I'm not gay, because I believe god is a man!

C: (under breath) Dude, I need to find some new junkie friends to hang out with.

T: (snaps) Duuuude. I heard that.

C: Duuuude!

T: duuuuuude!

C: No, I said dude!

T: Duuuude!

C: Quit saying duuuude.

T: Duuuude!

C: Duuuuuude!

Belinda poked Phoebe, "Maybe you should tell them who we are and where "here" is."

Saran
Phoebe gritted her teeth, silently calling on the patron saint of beatniks.

She picked up the microphone and all but yelled down it: "This is Phoebe, speaking on behalf of herself and Belinda, and we are requesting help from you two - yes, Chris and Tim - at the Beatnik Cave. So bloody well get a move on!!!"

She threw the microphone down on the desk, folding her arms. "What's wrong with them?" she paused, then squinted, "on second thoughts, that's a stupid question." She shook her head and sighed.

"Has it worked?"

Phoe
Tim and Chris slowly made their way closer. Belinda thought of yelling over the PA, "Get the lead out of your pants," but the Junkies didn't understand idioms, and would get confused, so it would probably just be best to let them make their slow crawl to the beatnik cave. They eventually got close, but they had to stop several feet away. The combined stench was too much, even for Junkies whose noses had deteriorated long ago.

They ran around in circles, like the dorky high losers they were.

"What shall we do? What shall we do? The stench is horrible!"

"Well....," Belinda turned to Phoebe, "They're pretty close. But BO Andy and BO Gary are too stinky for them."

Saran
Phoebe sighed, shaking her head in dispair. "I dispair," she said, just to make it clear.

"I don't know... we could always unleash the tigers?" She was glad at that moment that they had managed to find tigers with absolutely no sense of smell to combat the problem of BO Andy.

Phoe
"How're we going to keep them from the Junkies?" asked belinda.

"And why did we bother with junkies in the first place, if we have smell-less tigers?" belinda asked again.

"And, how did we get tigers?" belinda wondered.

But then, she remembered the answer to the last question. Siegfried and Roy came over last week. They must've left the tigers. They were always misplacing tigers, Siegfried and Roy.

And the tigers had to be smell-less. Siegfried and Roy practically bathed in cologne. An hour with them, and your sense of smell was shot. When they'd visited, Inda and Bee had had to wear nose plugs, leading to amusing conversations due to their nasally plugged voices.

And they'd had to air out the BC(TM) for a week. And still, the scent of musk lingered on.

Saran
Phoebe shrugged. "What does it matter about the junkies?" She was feeling quite ruthless today. "They'll just get scared off... it'll serve them right for being so incompetent."

Phoebe's finger hovered over the imaginatively names 'Release The Tigers'(TM) button. "Shall we?"

Phoe
"Yea, true. They ARE incompetant."

"Heh.....I just had an amusing thought...... what with all the dope in their bloodstream, wouldn't it be funny if the tigers ate them and then were high?"

Belinda had a mean streak, sometimes.

"Reeeeeeleeeeeeaaaaaaaaseeeeee the tiiiiiiiiiigggggeeeeeeers!" she cried, in the tone of an english person calling to release the hounds.

Saran
Phoebe chuckled softly. "That would rock my socks."

As the philosophical beatnik pressed the button she vaguely wondered what accent it was Belinda was trying to do. Phoebe was an English beatnik herself, but she'd never heard an English accent quite like that... it was more along the lines of an Australian Deutschlanderin.

"The tigers have been released!!"

"MuahahahahahahaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" she laughed evilly.

"Ahem... sorry... got a bit carried away there..."

Phoe
"wait......." Belinda turned to Phoebe and clutched her arm, "What about........the purple pimp beret????"

an organ in the background played, "duh duh DUH"

"The tigers might be smell-less, but they're hardly blind!"

But then, she remembered. They weren't just ordinary tigers. They were Siegfried and Roy's tigers. S and R probably regularly wore purple pimp beret's aaaall the time. With green feathers sticking out the top. Embroidered with gold braid. And that was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to the typical S and R ensemble. When they had visited the beatnik cave, Phoebe and Belinda had made them only wear their undies. Black undies with gold tigers on them with jade eyes, the whole thing decked out with silver piping and tassels, but Phoebe and Belinda could handle that.
Barely. It had been difficult. But if they hadn't endured that night, they would be without tigers properly equipted to deal with the BO menace, so it was not a wasted night.

She sighed in relief, "Nevermind. I forgot they were Siegfried and Roy's tigers."

She shrugged. "So......what do we do now?"

She added, "I hope this isn't the climax of our story *ahem* I mean lives, it's rather disappointing, what with the tigers doing all the work and all.

Saran
Phoebe blinked.

"Dude, I pressed the button... Is that not enough??!"

She looked quite hurt at the prospect of it not being enough. She even sniffled.

Phoe
Unbeknownst to the beatniks, as they were squabbling......

The tigers had taken care of Andy and Gary, but, they had also eaten most of Tim and part of Chris. And, they were high. High tigers are not a pretty sight.

For one thing, they get the munchies.

They started to batter at the glass windows of the beatnick cave.

Co Author's Note: Saran = "Queen of Sporks"

2002-02-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

Profiles of the authors:

(Basically we were bored and filled out an e-mail quiz like people forward you)

Phoe

1. What's your name: Amy
2. What do you wish your name was, instead: Feisty P
3. How old are you: 35.
4. Would you ever eat sushi? Well, if I could eat it off a naked body.....
5. Would you ever eat sushi off a naked body? *gasp* It's like they read my mind
6. Have you considered homosexuality? The Bitter Single Guy says I should
7. What's your sexual preference? Guys with Fezes on. And nothing else! O_o
8. What were you in a past life? A dissillusioned college student with IBS....wait, that's this life.
9. I punch you. Quick, what do you do? Make you pay, bastard
10. When confronted with Britney Spears, you...? are obviously drowning and having scary halucinations based on lack of oxygen. So I'd grab onto her as a flotaton device.
11. What's your favorite coffee? Mocha latte cino, whatever other suffixes you can add
12. What's your political perspective? Uhm....I think they're corrupt?
13. Are you my Angel? Ew
14. Do you consider yourself a poet? Do dirty limericks count?
15. What do you wanna be when you grow up? STOP ASKING ME THAT
16. There's a naked man in your living room. What do you do? Is that an offer? Keep away, pervo
17. How stupid do you think you are? As stupid as I want to be, baybee
18. How stupid do other people think you are? They think I'm "special"
19. Who the hell do you think you are? I'm the girl with her foot up your ass, bastard!
20. Is the Wonderbra good or bad? Um, all bras are evil, wonderbra's a bra, thus, wonderbra is evil
21. If you could levitate, who would you scare first? The pigeon I accidently run into
22. What's your favorite fruit? Ian McKellen (I kid because I love)
23. Can you feel the love tonight? I feel unloved. Cry for me now, yall
24. On a nude beach, you would...? Try not to look at old people
25. Make up a story with yourself, a bridge, and a bunny: I'm on this bridge, with this bunny, and then it turns into a squirrel, bites me, and runs like hell.
26. What do you think about contemporary art? Does it involve Fezes?
27. Do you like being naked? Perv.
28. If we had proof god didn't exist, what would happen? No more cool "a priest a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar" jokes. And those Jehovah's witnesses won't come around anymore. And no hare krishnas at the airport. It makes me want to cry, really.
29. Do you enjoy cheeze whiz? Do I get to eat it off of a naked person's body? Or even a clothed person's body? What about half naked people. Can I lick it off of furniture?
30. What's your position on virginity? If I had a position, i probably wouldn't be a virgin.
31. On civil unions: they were good, now they're kind of obsolete but don't know it yet
32. On RuPaul: ow ow!
33. On mosquito bites: bane of my summers
34. On bad sitcoms: I likey makey funny of them
35. On Fran Drescher: She makes my voice seem less annoying, and I'm down with that
36. Are you left handed or right handed? Right
37. Are you smart? As smart as I wanna be baybee
38. What's your middle name? Danger. No, but wouldn't it be cool if it was?
39. How many personalities do you have? Um, as many as I want to have?
40. How many piercings do you have? forty four and a half ;) Now, let me tell you where....
41. What was your first word? ah-da-da
42. Are you superstitious? Uhm....a leetle
43. Do you read your horoscope? sometimes
44. Do you believe in that stuff? only when they say good things about me
45. Can you do a cartwheel? Yes, but my butt sticks out when performing this feat
46. Do you have contact lenses? Ah-yup
47. Do you have a retainer or braces? Retainer. It's green, and in my car whih is also green. Ironic. Err....poetically just I mean. Something like that
48.Can you drive? I can, that pedestrian I ran over is lying.
49. Do you snore? mainly when awake
50. Do you drool in your sleep? Do YOU drool in your sleep?
51.Do you lick your envelopes or use a sponge? lick, I'm too lazy to like perform an elaborate sponge manuver
52. Do you keep a journal? Weblog. It collects my oral sex donations too, so it's like killing two birds with one stone.
53. Do you like onions? They're evil. They come into my bedroom at night and violate my stuffed animals and TP my bookshelf. *shakes a fist menacingly* One day, I swear....
54. Do you like cotton candy? Do YOU like cotton candy?
55. What instruments can you play? Kazoo count?
56. Do you like to dance? disco will never die
57. Do you like to sing? yea
58. Are you any good at it? People cover their ears, but I hear that's a compliment in zimbabwe
59. Do you like to talk on the phone? sometimes
60. Do you like where you live? Hmm....I call it the "hole".......
61. Are you organized? Organization is for people too lazy to look for stuff
62. Do you sleep with socks on? sometimes
63. Are you shy? If I were shy, would I be answering this questionaire and then posting it on my blog? Would I have an oral sex donation link on my blog? Would I sing "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" at the top of my lungs when I'm out on the quad at night? (It keeps muggers/rapists away, because they think YOU'RE the crazy bastard and stay away)
64. Do you talk to yourself? sometimes
65. Are you a morning person? Hell no. I'm more of an organ person.
66. Are you a virgin? Does oral sex count, because I've gotten 13 donations so far. 10 from the co-author of this site. Ow ow!
67. Are you proud of that? I'm damn proud of my oral sex donations
68. Do you believe in reincarnation? Do YOU believe in reincarnation? Hey, you try doing this without a running joke.
69. Do you believe in God? Do you believe in alien abductions?
70. Do you believe in ghosts? I enjoyed Ghost busters. Go stay puft marshmallow man!
71. Do you believe in bigfoot? I know people with big feet.....
72. How old do you wish you were? I wish I had a job instead of endless classes
73. What will you name your daughter? Cool Mo D.
74. Son? Cool Mo. D! The beauty of the name is it's unisex!
75. Have you ever thought you were gonna die? does it count if you were trippin' at the time? :P
76. Where do you wanna go? Colonial Williamsburg

Ever...
1. Been kissed? By relatives? Mucho
2: Done drugs? I'm high right now.
3: Eaten an entire box of Oreos? Chips Ahoy? Damn close.
4: Been on stage? Does it count if it was in gradeschool? Or that your drama class was held in the auditorium onstage?
5: Dumped someone else? God, I need to find someone first
6: Gotten in a car accident? I wasn't the driver
7: Watched "Punky Brewster"? Whoo! Yea
8: Been in love? With Pepperidge Farm's Goldfish Crackers^(TM)

Favorites...
9: Shampoo: Tea Tree--minty fresh
10: Toothpaste: Crest Sparkle Fun for kids, but they stopped selling it like a year ago, so now I have to use like adult crest, which burns, burns burns!
11: Soap: lavender
12: Type of soup: My mom's pepperpot
13: Room in your house: Our porch, if that counts
14: Instrument: Piano or Guitar or Harmonica. Or pan pipes. Dude, music's just good in general.

Either/Or..
15: Coffee or hot chocolate? HC
16: Big or little? Big Laughs. At, ARSE PIMPLES
17: Lace or satin? Satan
18: New or old? I dunno
19: Neve Campbell or Jennifer Love Hewitt? Neither, that's creepy
20: Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt? Both. One can have hot dirty monkey sex with me, and the other can mow my lawn for me
21: Vogue or Material Girl? eh...I'm not really a "madonna person"
22: Jeans or cords? I've never had corduroys, so i can't say
23: Sweater or sweatshirt? Neither, my hole's [place that I live in, gutter mind] too hot to wear such things
24: T-shirt or tank top? T shirt, tank tops are the devil's work
25: Skirt or dress? PANTS!
26: Wool or cotton? Cotton
27: Rose or Lily? Both
28: The way it is or the way it was? Eh....
29: Oldies or pop? Oldies
30: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Many, if you count Pepperidge Mill's Goldfish Crackers^(TM)
31: Do you have a best friend? Pepperidge Mill's Goldfish Crackers^(TM). The sad thing is, I just realize it's Pepperidge Farms' Goldfish Crackers^(TM)

In the last 24 hours, have you...
32: Cried? Does crying Wol countf?
33: Helped someone? Does helping someone bury a body count?
34: Bought something? Does buying dirty dirty sex from a four dollar hooker count?
35: Gotten sick? Does IBS count, it's everpresent
36: Gone to the movies? Does my roommate making shadow puppets on the hole wall count?
37: Gone out for dinner? Does the dumpster behind Arby's count?
38: Said "I love you"?: Does saying, "I love you, Pepperidge Farms' Goldfish Crackers^(TM)
39: Written a real letter? na
40: Moved on? from what?
41: Talked to an ex? An ex-coworker
42: Missed an ex? No
43: Written in a journal? Yep. And collected 10 oral sex donations!
44: Talked to someone you have a crush on? Na
45: Had a serious talk? uhm...Talia and I talked about my mom carrying around luggage with creepy scope stuff in it and accosting people in dark alleys. That's serious....seriously messed up :P
46: Missed someone? When I was going to give him my left hook, he ducked, the bastard.
47: Hugged someone? na
48: Fought with your parents? Yep. "Please don't make me get an ass scoping on spring break!" "GET IT OR ELSE"
49: Fought with a friend? na

Do you.....
50: Wear eye shadow? na
51: Put on a "front"? I guess
52: Kiss on the first date? I dunno
53: Have a crush on someone? Dave Grohl. And Jim Adkins of Jimmy Eat World right now
54: Eat with your mouth open? sometimes
55: If you got a tattoo, where would you get it, and what would it be? Needles frighten me
56: What color is your floor/carpet in your room? Pink *shudders*
57: What was the last CD you bought? I got like 6 for x mas.... Saves the Day, Incubus, Lit, Travis, Burlap to Cashmere, can't remember rest off top of head
58: How did you spend last summer? having IBS
59: When's the last time you showered? This morning.
60: Are you tired? Sick and tired of answering your damn questions!
61: Are you lonely? yeh
62: Are you happy? Eh...
63: Are you wearing pajamas? Na
64: Are you talking to someone online? Tina
65: What are the initials of your crush/interest/spouse? Uhm...DG, JA :P That's lame
66: What is your astrological sign? Pisces
67: What is the sign of your crush/interest/spouse? God, I dunno
68: What time is it? Hammer time

Saran

1. What's your name: Leeloo
2. What do you wish your name was, instead: Pig-face.
3. How are you: How am I what?
4. Would you ever eat sushi? No, since I'm vegetarian and all. Dumbarse.
5. Would you ever eat sushi off a naked body? Depends on who...
6. Have you considered homosexuality? Well it's tempting, what with males beng arses and all...
7. What's your sexual preference? Human.
8. What were you in a past life? Robin Hood.
9. I punch you. Quick, what do you do? Die?
10. When confronted with Britney Spears, you...? Are terribly tempted to kill it.
11. What's your favorite coffee? If I believed in Satan, I would say that coffee was Satan's piss. But since I don't, I'll have to be satisfied with saying that it's repulsive monkey-shit.
12. What's your political perspective? 3-point.
13. Are you my Angel? Who the fuck are _you_?! Are you stalking me?
14. Do you consider yourself a poet? Who's asking?
15. What do you wanna be when you grow up? By saying "when" you presume that's gonna happen...
16. There's a naked man in your living room. What do you do? Depends on who...
17. How stupid do you think you are? I'm half as stupid as I would think you were if you weren't so damned stupid.
18. How stupid do other people think you are? They don't think. They would have to have braincells to do so.
19. Who the hell do you think you are? Who the Hell do you think _you_ are?!
20. Is the Wonderbra good or bad? You _are_ stalking me, aren't you?
21. If you could levitate, who would you scare first? I wouldn't. Levitation isn't _that_ terrifying y'know. Dumbarse.
22. What's your favorite fruit? The fruit of my loins! Er... except I don't have any children, nor do I want any... Ok... in that case I'll have to say... pomello.
23. Can you feel the love tonight? It's 4pm. It's not night. Dumbarse.
24. On a nude beach, you would...? Be on a nude beack. Dumbarse.
25. Make up a story with yourself, a bridge, and a bunny: There's a bunny standing on a bridge, pondering whether or not to take this starring role in a bunny porn film. I'm it's manager.
26. What do you think about contemporary art? Most of it's a pile of shit. Literally.
27. Do you like being naked? Fucking hell, you're such a stalker!!!
28. If we had proof god didn't exist, what would happen? Which god? If we had proof Dog didn't exist, what would happen? _That_ is the question.
29. Do you enjoy cheeze whiz? Do I enjoy what?! You disgusting stalker!
30. What's your position on virginity? How do you have a position on virginity? You're a fucking moron.
31. On civil unions: On what?
32. On RuPaul: I don't have any position on Ru Paul thank you very much! And anyone who says anything different is a lying scumbag!
33. On mosquito bites: I don't think that mosquito bites form a sufficiently large base for me to perform any position on...
34. On bad sitcoms: They're bad?
35. On Fran Drescher: I'm sorry, you've confused me for someone who cares.
36. Are you left handed or right handed? I don't write with my hands...
37. Are you smart? I'm twice as smart as you would be if you weren't so damned stupid.
38. What's your middle name? I haven't got one. *sob* It's the greatest tragedy of my life! That and being split up from my conjoined triplet sister and dog.
39. How many personalities do you have? Plenty. Though you don't seem to have any. I stole yours.
40. How many piercing do you have? 7. Though technically you didn't use the plural, so the only answers one could really give, no matter how many they had, would be 1 or 0. Dumbarse.
41. What was your first word? I dunno, but I'm determined for my last one to be "snork".
42. Are you superstitious? Kinda.
43. Do you read your horoscope? If I'm up for a laugh.
44. Do you believe in that stuff? What's "that stuff"? You're so vague. Dumbarse.
45. Can you do a cartwheel? No... it's the greatest tragedy of my life!
46. Do you have contact lenses? No... it's the greatest tragedy of my life.
47. Do you have a retainer or braces? No, though I'm supposed to have soem fitted... sot he dentist said about 6 years ago. He must want me to have gappy teeth. Bastard.
48.Can you drive? No... it's the greatest non-tragedy of my life.
49. Do you snore? Strangely enough I don't know... on account of me being asleep and all... Dumbarse.
50. Do you drool in your sleep? Ditto.
51.Do you lick your envelopes or use a sponge? Lick. I'll lick anything me :oP
52. Do you keep a journal? Livejournal & Blog... though I do sometimes actually write stuff... with my hands and a pen and everything!
53. Do you like onions? I've never really taken the time to get to know one, so I couldn't say. Besides, I'd rather not make a generalisation like that.
54. Do you like cotton candy? Ditto.
55. What instruments can you play? Look, how many times do I have to tell you - I will not play you "instument"!!!!!
56. Do you like to dance? It _could_ be called dancing...
57. Do you like to sing? Yep.
58. Are you any good at it? I wouldn't dare say... but I've sung in bands, so go figure.
59. Do you like to talk on the phone? Depends on who...
60. Do you like where you live? Ok... let's see... I call this town Welwyn Garden Shitty. You work it out.
61. Are you organized? Ok, I'm doing this instead of an important piece of history work that's already overdue. Lemme think...
62. Do you sleep with socks on? Sometimes.
63. Are you shy? Sometimes.
64. Do you talk to yourself? All the time.
65. Are you a morning person? That depends... I hate mornings when I have to wake up in them, but I don't mind if I'm going to bed in them...
66. Are you a virgin? Are you?
67. Are you proud of that? Of what?
68. Do you believe in reincarnation? I don't believe... I _know_.
69. Do you believe in God? Depends on who...
70. Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah.
71. Do you believe in bigfoot? Hmmmm... not sure...
72. How old do you wish you were? 18. Wow, I am.
73. What will you name your daughter? I don't want children... so prolly something sufficiently cruel that social services would have to take her away from me.
74. Son? Ditto, except "him" isntead of "her". Dumbarse.
75. Have you ever thought you were gonna die? I always think I'm gonna die. We all will sometime. Dumbarse.
76. Where do you wanna go? I wanna go take a walk on the wild side. Baybee.

Ever...

1. Been kissed? Yes.
2: Done drugs? Yes.
3: Eaten an entire box of Oreos? Not all at ocne.
4: Been on stage? What kinda stage?
5: Dumped someone else? Yep.
6: Gotten in a car accident? Thankfully, no.
7: Watched "Punky Brewster"? Huh?
8: Been in love? Unfortunately, yes.

Favorites...
9: Shampoo: Schwartzkopf. Smells nice... though the translation of the name's not so pretty... "Blackhead".
10: Toothpaste: Macleans Whitening or spearmint.
11: Soap: Lush "Angel Delight". It smells gorgeous, it's shocking pink and it has silver glittery stars on it. What more could a girl ask for?
12: Type of soup: Any of the ones my momma makes.
13: Room in your house: The attic. Heh, no, my room.
14: Instrument: Geeeeeeetar. Er.. guitar, that is. Though the voice can be pretty darn shexshay!

Either/Or..
15: Coffee or hot chocolate? Well I did just explain my loathing of coffee, so of course it's hot chocolate! Dumbarse!
16: Big or little? Depends on what...
17: Lace or satin? Satin.
18: New or old? Depends on what...
19: Neve Campbell or Jennifer Love Hewitt? Eew, for what?!

20: Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt? Both.
21: Vogue or Material Girl? Who cares?
22: Jeans or cords? Cords!
23: Sweater or sweatshirt? Depends onthe rest of the outfit and the temperature, and what's clean. Dumbarse.
24: T-shirt or tank top? T-shirt.
25: Skirt or dress? Trousers.
26: Wool or cotton? Cotton. Wool makes me itch.

27: Rose or Lily? Both.
28: The way it is or the way it was? They're both pretty shit, so who cares?
29: Oldies or pop? Oldies!
30: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Both. Er, no, neither.
31: Do you have a best friend? Kinda...

In the last 24 hours, have you...
32: Cried? Kinda...
33: Helped someone? Yeah.
34: Bought something? Does lunch count?
35: Gotten sick? Nope. And it's "got". You fricking americans! ;oP
36: Gone to the movies? Nope.
37: Gone out for dinner? Nope.
38: Said "I love you"?: Yeah. Well "love you" to my momma. Not technically "I love you"
39: Written a real letter? As opposed to a fake one?
40: Moved on? from what? Now you'r really runnign out of ideas, huh? Gutted.
41: Talked to an ex? Yeah.
42: Missed an ex? Nope. THough I frequently miss the letter 'x'. It's so underused. *sniffle*
43: Written in a journal? Nope.
44: Talked to someone you have a crush on? Nope.
45: Had a serious talk? Kinda.
46: Missed someone? Only one person?
47: Hugged someone? Yeah, my momma.
48: Fought with your parents? Nope, not really.
49: Fought with a friend? Nope.

Do you.....
50: Wear eye shadow? Yep.
51: Put on a "front"? Kinda. Though it's more a "back" than a "front". Ha, that confused you. Bastard.
52: Kiss on the first date? It depends on who...
53: Have a crush on someone? No one I know (in other words, only think some famous people/imaginnary characters are lovely).

54: Eat with your mouth open? Nope.
55: If you got a tattoo, where would you get it, and what would it be? I'm getting it soon in fact. It's a Celice (my own symbol, damnit!) at the base of my spine. In black.
56: What color is your floor/carpet in your room? Indigo.
57: What was the last CD you bought? Er... it was either 'Is This It?' by The Strokes, 'Vague Us' by Mo*Ho*Bish*O*Pi, or the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring Soundtrack.
58: How did you spend last summer? Sleeping.
59: When's the last time you showered? Last summer. We don't have a shower in our house, so the last time I showered was at camp.
60: Are you tired? Aye.
61: Are you lonely? Aye. Though not lonely enough to spend time with you, you stalker!
62: Are you happy? Do I sound it?
63: Are you wearing pajamas? FUCKIGN STALKER!!!
64: Are you talking to someone online? Not anymore.
65: What are the initials of your crush/interest/spouse? Like I already said multiple times... I haven't got any of those. Dumbarse.
66: What is your astrological sign? Duh, which one? I'm presuming you mean my Sunsign, which is Saggitarius. Though by saying that you could be referring to any of my astrological signs, such as Moon, Ascendant, Mercury, etc. Dumbarse.
67: What is the sign of your crush/interest/spouse? I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ONE!!!!

68: What time is it? Time you shut up.

2002-01-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

Puppetry

Puppetry 2

Puppetry 3

2002-01-15T13:09:00.000-08:00

2001-11-26T21:14:00.000-08:00

Bizzare Love Pentigone vol. III
(click here to start at vol. I
click here for vol. II)

Saving Johnny

~Amy~

Belinda looked at the chart wistfully. "Yep, it IS his day off. But maybe he'd reconsider. I mean, "work" is probably more fun than getting the day off, I'm sure.

Getting the day off meant that the guys got to "frolic" in a small 8' X 10' pen outside. There wasn't much to frolic with, though. About all there was to do was make clover chains, and the guys were too manly to do that. (Although she'd caught Ewan at it once, he'd denied the whole thing)

Belinda was sure that Johnny could be persuaded to hang out with her and Ewan. She was much more fun than making clover chains.

Then, she gasped, "Oh no! Johnny's outside! With the stench! We have to save him!"

~~~

~Saran~

Phoebe gasped, "Nooo!!! Poor Johnny!!" She looked at Belinda, her face set determinedly. "We must help him! Come on!!" She opened a drawer and pulled out two face masks. One she threw to Inda, the other she put over her own face.

After a few deep breaths she was ready and ran out of the Beatnik Cave, keeping her head down, heading for the pen.

~~~

~Amy~

Belinda sprang into action, her long legs eating up the distance between her and the pen. As she ran, she put on the gas mask, and grabbed a nearby rake.

"If something's happened to him, I'll never forgive myself," she wailed.

The gas mask made it come out more like, "Luke, I am your father. Oooooh-aaaaaah Ooooo-aaaaah."

"Leave him alone, Andy!" she screamed as she saw the Purple beret looming near to the pen's fence, "Or so help me God I will run you through with my Rake of Death(TM)"

This came out as: "Come to the dark side. Ooooh-aaah, Ooooh-aaaaaaah"

As she came nearer, she could see that Johnny had passed out from the hideous smell. A clover chain was hanging out of his nerveless fingers.

~~~

~Saran~

Phoebe briefly wondered who Luke was, but decided it was best not to ask. One never knew what Belinda got up to when she was away from the Beatnik circle, or who with. And frankly, life was less disturbing that way.

As the philosophical one neared the pen, she saw the unconscious Johnny. "Noooooooo!!!!!!" she cried, "Get away from him you Foul BO Fiend(TM)!!! Or so help me Gods, she will run you through with her Rake of Death(TM)!!!" She wondered again what the heck Inda was talking about... Dark side?! Why hadn't she threatened him with the RoD(TM)?

Phoebe decided that she should see about getting medication for Belinda. And soon.

~~~

~Amy~

Then, the unthinkable happened. Belinda dropped the rake and tripped on it, then fell on it. She screamed, "Nooooooooo!!"

Which came out, "Noooooooo!!," but in a sinister voice.

"Leave me! Save Johnny!" she added, before falling unconcious from being beaned in the head by her own rake.

~~~

~Saran~

"Ack!" was the exact sound that Phoebe made when Inda got hit by the rake.

She set her jaw and muttered, "This calls for decisive action!" She grabbed the rake, smacked the BO Fiend(TM) out of the way with it, pulled out a can of spray deoderant, sprayed it over him - causing him to be momentarily paralysed (much of his body was actually made up of BO, so spray him with deoderant and he can't function properly) -, grabbed Johnny, hoisted him over her shoulder, then got a hold of the scruff of Inda's neck, and pulled the both of them back to the Beatnik Cave.

It was lucky that Phoebe was in fact a marshal artist, or else she wouldn't have had th strength to lift them both.

~~~

~Amy~

When Belinda came to, she almost didn't recognize where she was. Until she saw all the molded rubber. The beatnik cave was unmistakeable. But she still didn't remember what happened. She artfully rubbed her head in a "gee, I'm distressed manner," and cried out, "What happened?"

~~~

~Saran~

"Phew!" sighed Phoebe with relief as Inda came round. She wasn't quite sure how she would've explained all this to an ambulance crew, or a coroner if Inda hadn't been OK.

"Well! Y'see..." started the beatnick, relating the tale of how she had saved Inda and Johnny using the mighty force that was The Rake of Death(TM)!

"Yeah, I know. I'm great," Phoebe allowed herself to admit to Inda and the unconscious Johnny.

~~~

~Amy~

Belinda raised a skeptical eyebrow to the last comment, but kept her mouth shut, for once.

"Where is the scary man now?" she wondered aloud.

At this moment BO Gary was using the rake of death, as a battering ram, to get into the beatnik cave.

Co-Author's note: When I first wrote this, I'd forgotten that it was BO Andy, and not BO Gary, so when Saran read it, she decided to act like there was, in addition to BO Andy, another BO fiend, BO Gary.

~~~

~Saran~

Phoebe blinked, raising her eyebrows.

"Who is that?" she asked, pointing at BO Gary.

Her eyes widened... "You don't think BO Andy's actually got a ... an accomplice... a desciple... a - a friend?!"

It was obvious that the thought horrified her beyond all comprehensibility.

~~~

~Amy~

Belinda nodded, in a pained way, "Yes.....it's a conspiracy...... BO is sweeping the nation. And they're forming groups! BO groups! When they meet at the Y, the stench is unbearable! The young christian men and the village people have to evacuate the building, and then hose it down and disinfect it for about a month before it's even suitable for human inhabitation. And it's still stinky as hell! I've seen the best Y's of my generation fold because of this! And the BO groups, they're diabolical! They can stand each other, because they're immune to the stench, seeing as how they already carry it. It's hoooooorrible.

~~~

~Saran~

"Oh Gods!" cried Phoebe, "It's horrific!!! And to tihnk that you and Johnny nearly fell prey to it! We must put a stop to this!!!" She was looking quite determined.

Johnny woke up at about this time. He sniffled and quaked like a tiny child. "Is it over? Has he gone?" he asked pitifully.

~~~

~Amy~

Shh, shh, everything's going to be alright, Johnny," Belinda cooed as if to a child.

She then took Phobe aside, as to not trouble Johnny with their conversation, "Maybe we could call in some reinforcements. Except we don't have any, really."

She lit up a bit, "I DO know these two guys who would be our bodyguards, I guess. They'd do anything for their drug money."

She wilted again, "but they're pretty incompetant. They ARE druggies, after all. And one of them walks like a girl. It's pretty unnerving."

"Do you know anyone who could help?"

~~~

What will become of our Beatnik heroines?
Will they foil the BO conspiracy?
Will Johnny recover?
Will they find bodyguards in time?

Find out in the next installment of:
Bizzare Love Pentagone*

* A Pentigone is similar to a pentagon, but different.

2001-11-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

Bizzare Love Pentigone: vol. III
(click here

2001-11-21T11:41:00.000-08:00
Bizzare Love Pentigone: vol. II
(click here to start at vol. I)

3 things I can't live w/o: water, bongos, and men

~Amy~

Then, something miraculous happend. After being dragged a small way, Belinda had gotten a second wind. She jumped up and grabbed Phoebe, carefully shielding her own eyes from The Beret.

"Why do I always have to save your arse?" she grumbled to herself as she dragged Bee to safety, conveniently forgetting that Phoebe was only in this predicament to begin with because she had stopped to save Inda's bitter beatnik arse.

Finally, they made it to the Beatnik cave. Hurredly, Inda put up the drawbridge before Andy could get across. They were safe. For the moment, anyway.

"Phew.....that was a close shave," grumbled Belinda.

She peered out the window, "It doesn't look like he's ready to go away any time soon, though."

"But then again, we have the staples in here: water, bongos, and men," she wriggled her eyebrows at the latter, "So we could outlast him, I'd think."

~~~

~Saran~

Bee vaguely wondered if Inda's 'second wind' had fought back the smell of Andy's BO, but she didn't linger on the thought, she was just glad to be safe in the Beatnik cave.

The philosophical beatnik took a few deep breaths, recovering herself enough to speak, "Thanks for that. I owe you one. Though quite what, Id ont know... Anyway, shall we close the curtains?" She looked meaningfull at the window where Andy had his face pressed against the glass (actually it made him better looking... not that that was difficult) as if he could actually push himself through it, if only he looked sincere/manic enough.

"And maybe we should check on our harem. Is it my Keanu day today, or yours?" She raised her eyebrows a little at her bitter compadre.

~~~

~Amy~

Belinda crinkled her nose at Andy's smooshed face, and drew the curtains.

"Good idea, Pheebs."

Soon, a pounding was to be heard. As if Andy was using himself as a battering ram against the glass. Which, he was. Fortunately, the mammal dude that had previously owned the place had gotten triply reinforced glass.

Also, Andy wasn't all that strong. Although, his skull was pretty hard.

"Yes, lets check. And, I don't remember if it's your day with Keanu today. You can have him anyway, though. I'm more in the mood to have my way with Ewan."

~~~

~Saran~

Bee nodded, "Oh good, thanks mate." She smiled at The Bitter One and went to a computer screen console built into a table top - another leftover from the winged one. "Hmmm..." she mumbled as she checked their harem charts, "Yeah, it is my day for Ewan and yours for Keanu today, so we can swap then." She grinned and nodded, trying her best to ignore the battering ram that was Andy.

"Maybe we should get some hunky security guards around the perimeter..." she wondered out loud.

~~~

~Amy~

"Alriiiiiiiight!," Belinda smiled one of her rare smiles.

When you billed yourself as a bitter beatnik, it just wasn't kosher to smile all the time.

"Is it Johnny's day off, then?" she wondered aloud, "It'd be fun to do something with him and Ewan."

She made one of her rare, "I have an extremely dirty mind" looks.

That wasn't exactly kosher to do often either.

"Oooh......hunky security guards would be righteous!!"

She had watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" last night. She didn't let anyone know how much she was into that movie. It just wasn't kosher. It was her secret shame.

In fact, that was the reason she didn't want to hang out with Keanu today. Being with him after she'd seen "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" recently, always made her nervous somethow.

~~~

~Saran~

Bee smirked and arched an eyebrow at Inda's dirty expression. "I'm sure you've corrupted me," she said, shaking her head shamefully.

The Phillosophical beatnik twitched as Belinda said "righteous". Why did she say that!? Did she know her secret?! Was she secretly mocking her?!

Bee studied Inda, she didn't seem to have a mocking glint in her eyes... maybe it had just been a coincidence.

Phoebe had been watching Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure that morning. She had got up especially early to watch it in fact. Though it was a little strange that the video hadn't been wound back and was at the end... hmmm...

Damn, she loved that film! It was just so deep and... well... philosophical!!

Bee was glad that Inda had agreed to let her have Keanu today... because... frankly... that video had really got her into a Keanu mood...

~~

What will become of our Beatnik heroines?
Will they discover their mutual love of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?
Will they do unspeakably dirty things to their harem of men?
Will they be able to out-last the siege of BO Andy?

Find out in the next installment of:
Bizzare Love Pentagone*

*A Pentagone is similar to a pentagon, but different.

2001-11-21T11:25:00.000-08:00

DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I somehow ended up erasing what we posted so far........ Bleh...... (and freakily changing the template, but hopefully I can fix that)

Well, here's a recap:

The Ongoing Adventures of Belinda and Phoebe - Uber-Beatnik Extraordinaires!

Bizzare Love Pentigone ~ The First Adventure
An ongoing story by Amy & Saran

~Amy~

Andy had BO. Actually, it was an understatement to say that he had BO. He had Man-eating, soul-searing, nostril-killing, miasma-oozing BODY ODOR.
And that body odor had been a handicap to him his whole life.

-in first grade, he had to sit way in the back of the classroom, even though he couldn't see the blackboard from there

-They hadn't let him into the boy scouts
-They hadn't let him into the cub scouts
-They hadn't let him into the girl scouts

-He had had to go to community college, because no one could stand to be locked up in a tiny dorm room with his smell

-And now, they weren't letting him be a beatnik.

~~~

~Saran~

Phoebe the Phillosophical Beatnik sat outside the Kath's Cafe. She was trying to look interested/awake... or at the least not bored with what Belinda was telling her. She was whining bitterly about something or other, but to tell the truth, Bee had lost track hours ago. She decided it was best if she just sat there, sipping her coffee and nodding when there was an appropriate pause.

Really Bee was daydreaming about Keanu, and wondering whether it was her day to have him today or tomorrow... or was it her Johnny day today? She squinted thoughtfully, which must have miraculously coincided with Inda saying something that she deemed important enough for Bee to think about, because she certainly looked satisfied.

Just then a terrifying scent caught Bee's nose. She narrowed her eyes and sniffed the air. "Inda," she whispered, leaning over, "I think... it's him...!"

~~~

~Amy~

Belinda, the bitter beatnik, could tell that Phoebe wasn't paying attention to her rantings and ravings. But, she was the only one she had ever met so far who would even bother to look like she cared, despite the fact that she was surely sleeping with her eyes open.

Just then Phoebe squinted. Wow, she really was awake this time. That was really nice of her. The cockles of Belinda's bitter heart were warmed.

But then......disaster loomed. "Eh......what smell?" Belinda questioned. But then, she got a whiff of it, and she knew.

It was Andy. BO Andy. Andy, charmingly nicknamed "bo Andy" had been trying to join their beatnik group for ages now. As beatniks were fairly accepting, Inda and Bee would've surely let them join. If it weren't for the B.O. Frankly, neither one of them could stand to be in a room with B.O. Andy. Which made group poetry readings very difficult indeed.

"Take cover!" Inda shouted, diving under the table.

Then she got up and brushed her self off. "No.......run!!!!" "To the Beatnik cave!"

~~~

~Saran~

As Bee leapt to her feet, running towards the Beatnik Cave, she praised the day they decided to buy the cave. They had purchased it a few years previously from a strange man calling himself 'Batbloke'... or 'Smallflyingmammalguy'? Something like that. They had decorated it to their own tastes (ie. black, with bongos on Inda's side... Bee was scared stiff of bongos), and luckily the previous occupant had also liked black... though some of the rubber was more than a little unfortunately shaped and placed...

From the smell Bee was pretty sure that Andy had spotted them and was pursuing.

It wasn't just the smell though. He was so needy... and such a wannabe!! He tried to dress like them, and had even drawn on a goatee like Inda's (though his was infinitely less sophisticated... hell, his looked like a small catterpillar had crawled onto his face and died, only to be joined by more mourning caterpillars!), but in his desperation to get a beret he had taken to wearing a bright purple leather one.

It reminded Bee of a Pimp.

It made her shudder. It made her nauseous.

Andy made her nauseous.

Right now Bee desperately wanted to get into the Beatnik Cave, back to her beloved harem. She ran faster.

~~~

~Amy~

Belinda started to pant. She just wasn't built for long distance running. She started to slow....

"Run, Phoebe, save yourself!" She yelled, before collapsing in a coughing fit as Andy's Smell enveloped her.

~~~

~Saran~

"Nooo!!" Bee risked her own skin/nose and stopped, running back for Inda. She held her breath, braving the stench and grabbing hold of Inda, dragging her toward the Beatnik Cave.

Andy was hot on her heels... waving around his purple beret.

Bee caught sight of said headgear and stumbled to her knees, fighting nausea. "Ack! No... not the beret!!"

~~~

What will become of our Beatnik heroines?!
Will BO Andy catch them?!
Will Belinda recover from the stench?!
Will Phoebe live much longer after a sighting of the dreaded beret?!

Find out in the next installment of:
Bizzare Love Pentagone*

*A Pentagone is similar to a pentagon, but different.

Co-Author's Note:
Okay, here's the deal, I forgot to explain.... This is supposed to be a humor website, ala Brunching Shuttlecocks or The Van Gogh-Goghs. Anyway, right now, we're doing a sort of non-shuttlecock/gogh-goghesque thing where we're posting these stories we write in installments. The way it's posted, top is new and bottom is old. This irritates me, because for a story, it starts far below where people would normally start reading, and goes backwards. Aaaaaaanyhoo, I'm going to start linking the first post in the story to each installment I post.